THE THREE MUSKETEERS [2011]

SHUT UP, PLANCHET




2011, Germany/France/U.K./USA
Paul W.S. Anderson
4 // 10

Are the airships the way forward? Should we keep on pushing steampunk style all the way back to the Middle Ages? Is keeping the characters alive killing the story? There's only one way to find out!

First things first - this is a bad film. There seems to be a general agreement about it and I'm not going to be the one to argue. There also seems to be a sort of general agreement that you just shouldn't expect anything better from this particular director. Here, I will also agree that there is a body of evidence to support such a claim. However, I do think that while The Three Musketeers is a bad film, it is bad for different reasons than many people think, and that Paul Anderson did have a chance to make something far more memorable than he did.

I think the majority of criticism was centred around the way Anderson treated the literary original. Indeed, this is not a very faithful adaptation. Definitely not. But then again, neither was the cartoon children series (or the Tom and Jerry version, or Disney one, or quite a few others) and I don't think anyone protested. Well, I guess the devil's in the nature of the changes. On one hand, I don't mind the airships. Yes, they do add a sci-fi (or should we say steampunk) aspect to the film, but for me personally, it's Vernean enough to be accepted. They are not as much out of place, as some critics think. Stealth ninjas? Honestly, what's the problem? This is still more coherent than Van Helsing, and Van Helsing was perfectly enjoyable. The Three Musketeers is an adventure book. It's been transferred to the screen many times. You want close-to-the-book? Go and watch the Michael York one. It's as good as it gets and I don't personally think that there is any point even trying to do it better. So, what Anderson did, was basically to take the adventure aspect and make it bigger. Flashier. Hollywoodier. And that, in itself, does not need to be a bad thing. But the big problem this film has is not the airships, ninjas and Milla Jovovich trying to be Catherine Zeta-Jones. The big problem is, that Anderson's Musketeers lacks ambition, depth and courage (which makes Milla Jovovich not to even try to be anything more than Catherine Zeta-Jones). It plays safe in a way, and misses the opportunity by a long mile.

As I said before, I can forgive the airships. What I can't forgive, is the insultingly idiotic end, that people who suppose to die don't die for the sake of not upsetting the audience (and potentially out of hope for a sequel) and the waste of such a cast. Honestly, Christoph Waltz? Mads Mikkelsen? Til Shweiger? Great names, great talents and such a mediocre performance. Couldn't they be bothered (blinded by the figures on their pay cheques) or were they not directed properly? Either way, the script is so painfully one-dimensional, that even if they tried, there's just simply not enough room to get any depth from these characters. There are flashes of potential though. Logan Lerman, I think, is actually a quite successful D'Artagnan. Cocky, arrogant, but there's also some emotion in his face. Also James Corden has moments when he fits the role of Planchet very well indeed. Shame then, that for the rest of the time he forgets to be an actor and remains not much more than a goofy comedian. When we come to the ladies though - again, it's a total disaster. For me, this is where Anderson's intervention is completely misguided. The way the female characters are dumbed down and sexed up in this film is an insult to the source material beyond any forgiveness. It just kills the story to the point that the only thing that's left are the sword fights. And that can appeal only to a viewer with very little expectations.

So there we have it. It could have been all right. I could have quite liked it. It might have just worked. But the stupidity of the mistakes simply butchered the potential. Still, if I ever happen to be 12 again, then I guess I could watch it with pleasure... But that, for obvious reasons, will not be happening any time soon.